Category Archives: celebrities

Mah Suggests I Write to Suze Orman

Posted on by wiggles

While chatting up Our Mother on the telephone, I entertained her with tales of the Lord & Master’s and my many fiduciary blunders – mortgage under water, interest-only payments on line of credit, foolishly sending Sassafrass to NYU – one of the top ten most expensive schools in the country – leaving us enslaved to one Miss Sallie Mae. You know, fun stuff designed to get her mind of being housebound, diabetic, and facing increasing dementia.

And, let’s not forget, Hot Pants & I shepherded Bob and Jeanne through their very own personal bankruptcy. It’s a toss-up whether the finest moment during that hoopla was (1) H.P. finally locating a folder marked “I.R.S.” inside of which she found not a single thing or (2) Daddy’s approach to the bench in court accompanying himself with a fart for each lurching step he took. As their lawyer said, “Well, this’ll be a first.”

She zeroed in on the solution immediately.  ”You should write to Suze Orman. She can fix this.”

“I’ve seen a lotta Money Morons in my day, and you’re right up there with the worst.” Hell, if I’m gonna mess up, I’m gonna go all out!

Oh, Mah, I wish it were true. Yet here I sit on another gorgeous spring day in San Francisco, doomed to be stuck in paradise. Until Wells Fargo repossesses.

So, here goes:

Dear Ms. Ormon: 

My mother wants you to undo the craptastic financial dilemma in which I find myself. Please help.

Sincerely,

Another Idiot Who Used Her Home Equity Like an ATM.

I can hear ol’ Suze lecturing me right now. “Use of your credit card – Denied. Using electricity and heat in “your” home – Denied. Eating – Denied.”

Is 50 The New 42?

Posted on by hot pants

It is, if you ask my friend Amanda from the dog run. When I told her I was 50, she said she couldn’t believe it and that she thought I was in my early 40s. And it had the ring of truth when she said it! She thought I looked like this!!

It was a real shot in the arm, as Jeanne would say, because I have been feeling older….like, who are these whippersnappers they keep talking about on FASHION POLICE?  Where has my waist disappeared to? What the hell is an Icloud and can I see it from a plane?

I sorta have been feeling like this

These are just some of the questions that plague me. But at least people think I’m 42. Whoohoo!!

 

“Girls” Is NOT the “New” “Sex & the City”

Posted on by wiggles

And THIS is NOT the "new" Carrie Bradshaw.

I watched. I shuddered. I can hold my tongue no more.

Girls, the heavily promoted new HBO series following the escapades of a quartet of twentysomething young women, has been heaped with praise. Its more accurate title should have been American Horror Story, but, unfortunately, that was taken.

Lena Dunham, its producer, writer, star, and, apparently, wardrobe mistress & (non) makeup artist, has created “people” so vacuous, aimless, self deluded, and aggresively unattractive – and I mean that literally – that I am agog at the this pointless exercise. It’s like a female, un-hot version of Entourage, minus the much-missed Jeremy Piven pizzazz.

When Ms. Dunham’s character accosts her parents, who’ve informed her they no longer will support her while she writes her Great American Novel, with her “manuscript” she proffers what appears to be about a dozen pages. Possibly hand written. Oi.

No wonder my daughter Sassafrass cannot find friends her own age. These girls chase after boys who are obviously uninterested in them, have meaningless, joyless sex (and I’m all for meaningless sex, but, dammit, it better be joyful), and sit around talking idly and taking baths together. First, Sassy has no interest in propping up the male ego. (Of any age bracket) Second, she’s pursuing her dreams by working like a one-armed paper hanger seven days a week. Third, when she presents herself to the public, she wears clothes that fit & flatter and makeup.

"Though art as lovely as a summer's day...."

These girls make me feel sad. Where’s their self-respect? Their gratitude? Their sense of fun? I’m fairly certain none of them have ever seen an episode of Sex & the City. They oughta.

To quote Our Mother Jeanne, "None of us is so beautiful that she couldn't use a little makeup."

How Did I Get Baby Jane’s Hands?

Posted on by wiggles

So pretty in the bottle; so scary on the hand.

I don’t know whatever happened to Baby Jane, but it seems her hands have landed on my body. I scooped up the latest from L’Oreal: a bottle of L’Orange, thinking myself in the thick of the Spring 2012 color block stampede. Alas, the result was more horror show than haute chic.

Forgive me, ladies.

I’m a Weight Watchers Dropout

Posted on by wiggles

Who can resist the power of frozen Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies? Not I, said the not so little Wiggles.

The good news:  I’ve kept off 30 or so pounds for over three years.

The bad news:  The siren song of sweet and salty snacks keeps ringing in my ears. I consider the fact that carbs are bad for me to be proof positive – as if I needed any – that there is no god.

Mmmmmm. Chips.

When I was in college and weighed so little that they turned me away at the blood donation drive, I could regularly devour an entire large bag of Lay’s Classics, no problem, no weight gain, no nothing. Those were, indeed, The Days.

Not to mention my late-in-life munchies issue as I continue my intergalactic journeys courtesy of medical marijuana baked goodies.

I’m truly at a crossroads. I don’t want to be a roly poly. I certainly don’t want to be pre-diabetic, let alone full blown diabetic. I could do without open heart surgery. You know, those pesky medical issues fueled by obesity.

But, gosh, as I begin the long slide down toward the Big D, shouldn’t I be having some fun? And shouldn’t some of that fun come from the delectable chewing of bread, pasta, potatoes and such? Cause, really, isn’t food one of life’s grandest pleasures?

Or should I keep my big mouth shut and maintain a body like this? The eternally unsmiling Victoria Beckham, mother of four, best know for her high fashion line and not having eaten in decades. What’s it all about, V.B.? Is it just for the proteins we live?

Hef came to Bob & Jeanne’s!

Posted on by hot pants
Bob, aka Hef

Bob, aka Hef

 

I went to Bob and Jeanne’s this weekend to celebrate Jeanne’s triumphal return from her second visit in as many weeks from Hackensack Hospital. Brother Peter, who’d flown into NJ to slap some sense into his aged parents, made a Chicken Parm Surprise for lunch. Bob wanted to eat in front of the TV, which he likes to blare at a dulcet volume level of 85 so he can watch CNN around the clock and hear 10% of what the reporters are saying. But his beloved children prevailed on him to come to the table, so he reluctantly wheeled himself out wearing a devastating ensemble of Depends and a blue velour bathrobe, circa 1975. You can see how he looked, in the first image above. Andy took one look at him and said, “Hef? Is that you?”

Bob nodded amiably as he speared some ziti. Then he debonairly took a sip of Diet Pepsi through an ancient straw. Come to think of it, Hef and Bob probably do look a lot alike these days.

Pancake Comes to The Office

Posted on by hot pants

The `Cake Comes to Work

On a quiet Friday afternoon, Miss Pancake came to the office with me. As you might imagine, no work was conducted once her little paws hit the industrial carpet of our office on 3rd Avenue. She was the object of so much attention and so many impromptu photo sessions, it was practically a coup!

She had a great time and I was very proud. But when we came home, we both passed out from the excitement.

Here she is at her 15 minute internship in the Photo Department. She is editing film.

 

My Hairy 4-Footed One Got me into Trouble with Kathie Lee!

Posted on by hot pants

I was on the TODAY show yesterday with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe. We were talking about sex. Yeah, just the three of us girls getting down to it on national tv.

I don’t want to say that Pancake was there with us in spirit, but we had to hold up taping my segment because they needed to de-lint my pants. The Wardrobe Mistress de-linted me everywhere – and I mean everywhere! We were practically on a date with what she was doing!

While KLG and HK were looking on, she said to me, “Do you have a dog?”

Yes! I answered proudly.

It was only later I realized it was because my shed-free Pancake had, in fact, shedded on me.

But was I mad at my Cakey? No. Never!

Here’s how it went, if you want to see.

http://klgh.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/02/10561851-who-knows-more-about-you-know-what-klg-or-hoda

 

Are you Listening, Tom Hanks? Jeanne Just Made Crazy Comment #349 and It Involves YOU

Posted on by hot pants

I was with Sassy and Jeanne at the infamous Chit Chat diner, where Jeanne lost Bob a few weeks ago in the parking lot. We were companiably eating our lunch (Jeanne and I had ordered identical meals: the Greek Wrap, which came with seasoned fries) and I said to her, “Mah, you know what I watched the other day? Cast Away. It was so good.”

Jeanne paused and said, “Yeah. How can you not love Goldie Hawn?”

There was a moment of silence while Sassy collapsed in laughter. Seriously, I thought she was going to pee in her pants.

“Mah, you mean Overboard?” I queried.

Goldie, you are fabulous but you were not in Cast Away!

“What, what?” Jeanne asked, after slurping her water noisily. “What are you girls laughing at? Why are you two always laughing?”