I Hurt My Back Again

There’s no other way to say it. I was carrying a chair down the 3 measly steps in my apartment that lead to the living room. My legs got tangled in the legs of the chair and the next thing I knew, I was lying on my back with the chair still in my arms. Pancake ran in to deliver some Doggy First Aid, aka lots of licks.

I minced over to the couch and called my personal physician, Jeanne. She flew into action.

“Did you twist in any way?”

“Did you bump your head?”

“Are you hands bruised?”

“Do you feel dizzy?”

She then prescribed Ibuprofen and said if the pain got worse I should go to the ER. Her final words?  ”MOVE SLOWLY, FOR CHRISSAKES!”

I pretty much looked like this.

So it’s been a few days and I am feeling better, though it seems like my tailbone is bruised. (Go ahead, Wiggles. I know this is your cue to tell the “amusing” tale about how you and my other siblings traumatized me when I was a small child, by saying Mah and Dad found me under a bridge and then shaved my fur and clipped my tail and I just looked just like a human baby).

I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, every time I hit those stairs, I try to walk like there are books balanced on my head. Is it weird? You bet. But at least I am still upright.

Pancake Loves Her Roast Beef

At a recent party, Pancake was given a few bites of roast beef by one of the guests. She went crazy, she loved it so much. Then she realized that there was even more RB on a platter on the table. She spent the entire party waiting under the table with her nose pointed toward the plate. It looked like this:

"Please give me some Roast beef! I need it!" she said

The stare was unblinking, the pose beseeching, the effect irresistible. That pooch ate so much roast beef that day, she produced poops worthy of a dog twice her size. That Pancake. Forget chatting with people, or playing with other dogs. It’s all about the MEAT.

 

Is a Little Bread Mold Really So Bad?

It's mostly un-moldy. I think.

I don’t want to imply that my husband, The Lord & Master, can be a wee bit picky about what food I toss into his trough, but his report on Monday’s lunch bag offerings went like this:

Wiggles:   Did ya like your lunch?

L&M:         [gesturing a big thumbs down] No. I did not like that weird bun thing.

Wiggles:    How about the meats and cheese inside? Good?

L&M:         How could I tell? All I could taste was that crummy roll.

Cut to: tonight, making yet another sandwich for the man I worship and adore. I knew the detested brioche roll was out, so I grabbed some whole wheat slices. Unfortunately, just a skootch of mold had developed. Only on the outer edges. I swear. Finding two mainly spared specimens, I picked off any offending greenish developments. He’s not going to notice those raggedy edges, right?

Our nephew Max, back in residence in the Sassafrass Suite, happily accepted my offer for a brioche roll lunch feast.

And he’s promised me that should the L&M develop any peculiar tummy troubles, mum’s the word.

Deny, deny, deny. Who’s to say a bissel mold ever hurt anybody?

Honest, I threw out this funky junk.

I’m an Unapologetic Flood-It Fanatic

Utterly Addictive Color Play

It began so innocently. Sassafrass was home for the holidays and I asked her to show me something I could play besides my beloved Solitaire. Now that I’m crunching numbers at work, my idle moments require something new, something pretty, something colorful. And when Sassy clicked on “options” and I got to pick my fave array of hues, well, that was the livin’ end.

I don’t mean to imply I’m hooked, but I have stayed up until 5 a.m. compulsively moving through the 22 sacred steps allowed to clear that board.

Solitaire? What’s that? Books to read? Feh, it’s all Flood-It, all the time. Even my television habits are warped. Now I “hear” the tv while I’m glued to my game.

I hope my iPhone survives.

If I'm not playing, I'm recharging my overworked battery.

Pancake’s New (Slightly Terrifying) Fan

Even big burly bouncers like this one can't help but love Miss Pancake.

 

I have previously mentioned that Pancake likes to roll around on the rug in front of the local strip club when she’s on her way home from doggie daycare.

It used to be that the bouncer either ignored her or gave us a sideways glare, but what can I say? The Cakey has once again worked her magic and now the bouncer runs out as soon as he sees her and starts scratching her belly and offering her bites of his dinner – which last week, was mussels and french fries. Not bad, right? Now I know that if I am ever mugged on that street there’s Protection nearby.

Just another perk of being the owner of the Little Lady.

Crazy Jeanne Comment #405

She would be really mad that I am posting this because she's not wearing any makeup. But here she is, our beloved Jeanne Adele.

 

 

I called Jeanne last night. I said, “How are you feeling?”

She responded, “No, it’s not snowing out.”

After that, let’s face it: there wasn’t much more to say.

That is One Dirty Foot

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE, EXCEPT IT WAS EVEN CLOSER. AND SMELLIER.

Last night I woke up with a start and in the dim, I saw something half an inch from my face. What the hell is that? I thought. Then it came into focus. It was a paw. A grimy hind paw. A filthy paw that has been all over NYC pavement and patches of dirt. In my face. And wow, was it uh, aromatic.

But it was Pancake’s, so I gave it a squeeze, and yes, a kiss. Then I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Mah Almost Loses Daddy…Or, How Our Father Tried to Run Away

In beautiful outlying Hackensack, New Jersey

Mah just had to escape the Grey Gardens gloom of Apartment 8A at the Frontenac, so she bundled Daddy up and hauled him over to the Chit Chat Diner on Essex. After a small feast, Daddy shuffled off to the men’s room while Mah paid the tab.

Like any good Jewish wife, Jeanne prefers making reservations for dinner.

Out of the corner of her eye – completely by chance – Mah sees Daddy out in the parking lot, sans coat, sans car keys, sans her.

Apparently, when he’s done, he’s done.

“Why did you help him outside?” Mah asked the waiter, “He doesn’t even have his coat on.”

“Well, he was wearing a sweater. He said he had to go,” the genius server replied.

I think Daddy’s too old to run away from home. What do you think, Hot Pants?

Look at that sweet face. I could give him a big smacker on the cheek, if only he were here.

I love you, Daddy. Please don’t leave Mah stranded at the Chit Chat wondering where you’ve gone.

"We'll even walk you to your car. Car keys optional." Talk about service!

My Dog Has Surgery, Part 2

Little black stitches - they go with everything, right?

I don’t mean to imply that the Lord & Master has no future in the nursing profession – human or canine – but after one day in his care our dog Theo Fannybrice practially had a nervous breakdown. And we’re talking about a dog who’s so macho he refused to get into the carrier post-surgery. Instead, he heroically limped to the car.

The next day I toodled off to buy gold and silver as usual. By day’s end the L&M began peppering me with increasingly frantic phone calls.

“You’d better get here. He’s crying.” Just what I don’t want to hear while I’m waiting on yet another Oriental loaded down with 24K baubles.

“Of course he’s crying. He’s in pain. Don’t worry,” I soothed.

Ha!

Here’s what I found:

That meat's looking mighty rare.

“Honey, where are Theo’s stitches.”

Silence. My bigger half was completely clueless that our pooch had made a craft project out of removing his own stitches. That’d make me cry, too.

But wait, there’s more!

“Are you aware you two are sitting in a pool of his pee?” I gingerly inquired.

Whereupon my normally mild mannered spouse launched into an impromptu performance of his long running hit one-man show, I Hate My Life. At full volume.

I banished him from the room while I stripped off the wet blankets and sheets, dried the fitted sheet with a hair dryer, and reassured the actual patient that everything would be fine.

Here's some of the soggy bedding.

Yes, it’s always been my dream to return home from a full day of dealing with the public and clean up a veritable lake of dog pee.

By the next morning, the vet had stapled Theo’s leg back together.

All in all, he’s been a real trouper. The staples are gone, he’s back with his pack at Fort Funston, and all’s right in his doggy world.

My husband’s busy reading, writing, grading papers, and otherwise sticking to his professorial duties.

Happy 2012!