My Latest Idiot Move

proving once again my sheer and massive ineptitude in the real world, i just missed my free online webinar. why, you ask? because i failed to note that the start time was “e.s.t.,” i.e., three hours earlier than out here in the wild west. funny how i never misunderstand the time difference when i am cruising the home shopping network channels. now i’ve got to sit here looking busy for an hour and a half so my husband doesn’t catch on to what a dolt i am. not that he would judge. mayhap the most wonderful quality in the lord & master is his complete acceptance of my many, weird eccentricities.

this snafu is all too typical of me. whenever faced with that scary grown up world, my mind fizzles and i panic. this is mortifying, given that i am the holder of three degrees, two of them from harvard university. anything that smacks of school or work, and i can feel the wooziness of blessed unconsciousness spreading through my veins. as i logged into my email and saw the jaunty heading “we took attendance and you weren’t there!,” i swore i was back in 4th grade, forever tardy. once i sat on a street corner daydreaming for so long, i didn’t wander in until the afternoon session was almost over. my lateness was such a constant, miss cummings – the greatest teacher of all time – sent me to the principal to see if that would knock some sense into me. hardly. i told mr. anderson, whom i considered quite a bore, a long and entirely fictional story about my sick baby sister (that would you, hot pants) and how my mother needed me at home for nursing duties. shameless lying, at such a tender age.

my plan to flunk out of elementary school during 2nd grade was a flop, but a magnificent one. i went on a one-girl work strike. my father busily set about making the abacus i was assigned to bring in, looping stretched out wire coat hangers with pasta wheels through a cardboard shoebox. “isn’t this fun?” he pleaded. “go right ahead,” i told him, “i’ll tell the teacher you did it.” ultimately, my efforts to leave lower education failed, and i made the ultimate capitulation to plow through with the parentally demanded straight A’s (or a close facsimile) to keep the old folks happy. this resulted in the many degrees, but none of this education, high or low, has made me viable in life. i possess an ingrained cluelessness which knows no bounds.

if it weren’t for the gentle guidance of my worldly younger sister, i’d be curled up in a ball reading a book all the time, instead of just most.

well, hot pants, at least i got what i paid for out that webinar.


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