Sassafrass Gets High

From her advanced meditation workshop, I have received news of Sassafrass’ profound epiphany. Not what, just that. She’s so enlightened her feet barely touch the ground.

I say this not in jest, but with complete admiration for her. Once again, she has proven to be my opposite. She is ambitious, talented, savvy, determined, sensitive, thoughtful, ladylike, and chaste. Fill in your favorite antonym for each adjective, and there I am.

When I was in college, I did exactly two yoga classes, though I found an unintentionally hilarious letter to my parents about how yoga was the (apparently very brief) salvation to my existence. Sassy practices yoga, tai chi, jazz dance, the cross trainer, plus hoofing all over New York City. Then she meditates and keeps a daily journal.

I suggested sleeping with any old someone to ease the tension of her demanding study and work schedule. You know, sort of a human vibrator idea. “I’m not you,” she retorted. Point taken. I was all but a gym major in the freewheelin’ 70’s. My husband the Lord & Master is not jealous by nature, but he’s pea green with envy that I frolicked my way through college during the era of carefree, nonfatal, casual sex. While other students hit the library between classes, I beat a path to the door of a grad student who lived near Harvard Square. He just could not believe his dumb luck. “I’ve got an hour, let’s go!” As Daddy always said, I come on like the U.S. Cavalry. My greatest effort was making sure I didn’t call out the wrong guy’s name.

How to explain the virtuous and spectacular Miss Sassafrass? The L&M and I firmly believe we are living proof that two wrongs can make a right. Put another way, of course she’s an only child; she drained the gene pool.


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