God Is A Cheapskate

The good book has little to say regarding proper carat content. May I suggest 18K, minimum? I mean, it's god's jewelry, for crying out loud.

In my line of work – the gold buying racket – we see many, many religious tchotkes. Though I’m just guessing Mel Gibson would take issue with my applying a Yiddish label to all the crucifixes I’ve examined.

And it turns out that “god,” that imaginary friend of many, is really El Cheapo. Most of the pendants, pins, earrings, rings fashioned into Jesus, Mary or other religious superstars are rendered in low carat. Worse, many bear the stamp “14K,” but beneath the surface – heavens! – nothin’ but metal plate. Really, scary old man who lives in the clouds, you can’t afford to use actual gold, through and through, on your followers’ baubles?

The next greatest offender of its faithful is academia. Class rings are 10K jokes, with fake stones. Yet the graduated masses swear such allegiance to their Alma Mammies that they often request we remove the totally faux gems as keepsakes.

I was dorky enough to inscribe mine: "D.H. Lawrence" I kid you not.

One customer has made three trips in with her Phi Beta Krappa paraphanelia. It’s so sad. These are the dinkiest trinkets around, with pin backs so short it would be impossible to affix the damn things to any article of clothing except perhaps a bra strap. But in she trots, laying down her beloved symbols of glory days gone by, leaving with under $100. dollars each and every visit.

I got all A's and all I get are these puny pins?

I’m sure the giggling, pidgin-English speaking immigrants loaded down with gold everything are having quite the chuckle.

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