Yes, Vows were Renewed

They came, they overate, they drank a concoction called “The Tenafly Teaser.”

Wiggles, the Lord & Master, as well as family and friends converged on our brother Andy’s house in Northern New Jersey to reaffirm their love and snarf up some corned beef.

Yup, that’s right. Corned beef – as well as Pastrami and sour pickles and tomatoes – were supplied by the one and only Katz’s of Houston Street. Here’s what the boxes looked like, piled gingerly so as not to bruise the meat – in Andy’s car.

Watch out for the Meat!

Watch out for the Meat!

You know you've made it when your name is on a box from Katz's.

You know you’ve made it when your name is on a box from Katz’s.

True to her word, Wiggles didn’t allow the word G-d to be uttered during the course of her and the L&M loving speeches to each other. They did however, mention the words “psychosis” “frisky” as well as the phrase “Two wrongs made a right” in reference to Sassy.

Here’s how they looked, post-renewal.

Let the Eating Begin!

Let the Eating Begin!

It was a wonderful time, even for a semi-cynic like myself. Everyone worked together to make it a seamlesly enjoyable get together. You know who was one of the stars of the show? Yes. that’s right – Pancake, who had grudgingly attended the grooming salon at Litter & Leashes the day before. She looked gorgeous. Check it out:

Is that a Face?

Is that a Face?

She let everyone hold her, snuggled up with Jeanne, and didn’t poop inside the house. I don’t want to say she was tired when she got home, but she slept till 9:40 this morning, which I regarded as a personal best.

There is video percolating around of some of the juicier moments – so I am looking to some others (who know who they are) to email it so it can be posted.

And of course, Wiggles will be adding her own account of the day’s events. Can’t wait to see what her top moments are.

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Wiggles and I Eavesdrop on Jeanne’s Therapy Session

this is a woman with a degree! Thank God!

this is a woman with a degree! Thank God!

 

On the suggestion of her gerontologist, our fair mother has entered therapy.  Wiggles and I can only imagine what she talks about, but we can make some educated guesses that main topics include:

1. her children

2. the need for a weekly hair appointment

3.  her ailing husband

4. the need for a weekly manicure

5. current events: I think this week probably included a mention of the stunning tie-dye assymetrical hem dress that Wiggles bought Mah at a local Teaneck emporium. Jeanne looked adorable in it, especially after she paired it with jewelled flip-flops and dangly earrings.

 

This was, in fact the outfit that Jeanne wore when we delivered her to her session. We were hoping that we’d be invited in to hob-nob with Mah and her therapist. But alas, the shrink didn’t ask us to join in the revelry. She just snapped on the radio and ushered in her patient, the 80-year old living embodiment of the Age of Aquarius.

Wiggs and I had to know what Jeanne was babbling about! With no time to lose, we rustled up some props so we could hear.  Here’s what it looked like:

ooh! she IS discussing us!

ooh! she IS discussing us!

 

Then she abruptly switched topics. Wiggles said she heard the words “gold bracelet,” “hot dog at Costco” and “crackle nail polish.”

When the session was winding up, we had to get ourselves together. “Act casual!” I instructed Wiggs. Here’s the pose she took:

Here she is, NOT eavesdropping. I swear, Your Honor!

Here she is, NOT eavesdropping. I swear, Your Honor!

Jeanne was happy as a clam when she emerged. Then guess what we did? That’s right: onto Costco for hot dogs and lemonade. Bliss!

 

 

Is 50 The New 42?

It is, if you ask my friend Amanda from the dog run. When I told her I was 50, she said she couldn’t believe it and that she thought I was in my early 40s. And it had the ring of truth when she said it! She thought I looked like this!!

It was a real shot in the arm, as Jeanne would say, because I have been feeling older….like, who are these whippersnappers they keep talking about on FASHION POLICE?  Where has my waist disappeared to? What the hell is an Icloud and can I see it from a plane?

I sorta have been feeling like this

These are just some of the questions that plague me. But at least people think I’m 42. Whoohoo!!

 

Most Women Would Slim Down For Their Vow Renewal. I Clearly Am Not Most Women.

This was my short lived dream. Dressed, of course.

The Lord & Master and I are renewing our connubial vows before our Nearest & Dearest as our 25th anniversary approaches. As Bob says to Jeanne on theirs, “Another year of goddam wedded bliss.”

Why, you ask? Because we are grateful to be lucky in love; because we still enjoy spending (almost) all our time together, because – let’s face it – no one else would have us.

Unfortunately, we’re enjoying ourselves so, ahem, fully in the run-up to this “picnic with ‘mush'” as the L&M refers to it, I’ve backed off the traditional ‘lose weight/look great’ idea, and sunk into the more forgiving, indulgent ‘be happy/look’ crappy mindset.

So I’m gonna resemble this luscious lady instead.

Of course, after two weeks of Big Jersey high life, by the Big Day, I’ll be a Big Mess.

Ah, the good old crispy pre-SPF days.

P.S. Memo to Hot Pants:  Battle of the Figurines? It’s ON, Babycakes!

DATELINE San Francisco: Wiggles Eats with A Bib!

Awaiting a scallion pancake, Wiggles fastens her napkin with authentic dental clips.

 

No sooner had I landed in San Francisco than the whole kit and kaboodle boogied over to Chinatown restaurant extraordinaire, the House of Nan King. We had ordered the whole left part of the menu, much to the wriggling delight of the waitress who clearly recognized the Lord & Master as soon as we all ambled in (or ran, in my case. I was freezing! I am always freezing in San Francisco.)

As Wiggles chattered away, she blithely whipped something out her purse, then clipped her napkin to a pair of dental clips, like the ones the hygienist uses to clamp the bib on during a cleaning.

“Where did you get those?” I asked.

“The dentist!” Wiggles proudly confirmed. “WHAT?! They keep my shirt clean!”

Don’t believe me? See above visual proof.

Fasten Your Seatbelts, Readers: I am Going to San Francisco

I am going to the City By the Bay, Baby!!

I am hopping a big white bird to San Francisco to visit Wiggles & Company the day after Christmas. I look forward to eating myself into a stupor on a daily basis and watching movies around the clock (Hello, WHITE CHRISTMAS!).  I have also begged Wiggles to do some sight-seeing which she has agreed to, albeit reluctantly. Hee hee. Stay tuned for new posts, arguments, giggles, and transcripts of nonstop phone calls from Jeanne asking in her inimitable style, WHERE ARE YOU?

Jeanne: “This is a NIGHTMARE”

cc via flickr user max_katz

This was the recurring theme I heard from Jeanne when, out of the goodness of my heart, I drove her and Sassy to the Boston suburbs last weekend to see our relatives. Jeanne kept saying it was a nightmare because we hit horrible traffic once we got off the Mass Pike. What should have been 2o more minutes became an hour, with Jeanne repeating her above mantra while clearing her throat and questioning my navigation choices.

This really made me mad.

Especially since as the recent survivor of a nasty back injury, it wasn’t exactly the greatest thing to be driving for five hours while simultaneously looking for a deli that Jeanne wanted to go to but couldn’t remember the actual (or approximate) location. But she knew it was off one of 6 different highways we took. “I could go for a corned beef sandwich,” Jeanne piped up from the back seat. “Couldn’t you?”

That was before we hit the traffic. During that tense 60 minutes, I did a thorough and scathing self-inventory and decided that NEVER NEVER again will I agree to drive Jeanne to Boston 1. as the only driver (This means, Sassy, that you MUST get a license) and 2. on a Friday afternoon.

I’m just telling you, Mah, you weren’t the only one having a bad dream that day. Yeesh.